Joke
#1
I couldn't find our old joke thread but heard this one the other day:

A man was asked, "What is better than roses on your piano?"

He said, "Tulips on my organ."

Laughing
Yes?

No? Okay, well, fine. Dry

Cool
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#2
(04-20-2013, 12:24 PM)TennisMom Wrote: I couldn't find our old joke thread but heard this one the other day:

A man was asked, "What is better than roses on your piano?"

He said, "Tulips on my organ."

Laughing
Yes?

No? Okay, well, fine. Dry

Cool

Okay, little miss! You hike down the hall to Sister Elizabeth's office. She will make an appointment for you to see Father Doyle, and you are going to be doing kneeling so long you will have blisters.
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#3
Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

ooF DAH!
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#4
(04-23-2013, 03:03 PM)TennisMom Wrote: Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

ooF DAH!

Good stuff, but a little long for cocktail chatter. Smiling
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#5
This is a very politically incorrect joke:

It was bad enough, actually, for me to retract it. Embarrassed
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#6
(04-24-2013, 11:58 AM)TennisMom Wrote: This is a very politically incorrect joke:

It was bad enough, actually, for me to retract it. Embarrassed

Being in love with the forum "Means you never have to say you're sorry". Big Grin
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#7
(04-24-2013, 08:01 PM)Wonky Wrote:
(04-24-2013, 11:58 AM)TennisMom Wrote: This is a very politically incorrect joke:

It was bad enough, actually, for me to retract it. Embarrassed

Being in love with the forum "Means you never have to say you're sorry". Big Grin

Being in love means knowing when to say you're sorry... and when to actually mean it.
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#8
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
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#9
Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
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#10
[Image: 1347003905-The-Power-of-the-Badge.jpg]
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#11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LmPBPWHJu4
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#12
[Image: Cartoon_low_pants.jpg]
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#13
For those of you who need a chuckle today...

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear ?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me...
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10.. Serial Killer --- Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
* 11. Pessimist --- There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
* 12. White Supremest --- I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
* 13. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
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#14
(12-08-2013, 10:43 PM)Scrapper Wrote: For those of you who need a chuckle today...

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear ?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me...
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10.. Serial Killer --- Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
* 11. Pessimist --- There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
* 12. White Supremest --- I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
* 13. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Eyebrows
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#15
(12-09-2013, 05:52 AM)Prospector Wrote:
(12-08-2013, 10:43 PM)Scrapper Wrote: For those of you who need a chuckle today...

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear ?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me...
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10.. Serial Killer --- Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
* 11. Pessimist --- There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
* 12. White Supremest --- I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
* 13. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Eyebrows

I admire those who can find humor at that early hour!

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear ? That IS funny!
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#16
(12-09-2013, 05:52 AM)Prospector Wrote:
(12-08-2013, 10:43 PM)Scrapper Wrote: For those of you who need a chuckle today...

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear ?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me...
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10.. Serial Killer --- Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
* 11. Pessimist --- There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
* 12. White Supremest --- I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
* 13. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Eyebrows

At least you're admitting to your problem... I hear that's the first step.
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#17
That's what the voices tell me, too.
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#18
(12-09-2013, 10:03 AM)PonderThis Wrote: That's what the voices tell me, too.

I know the voices aren't real, but they sure come up with some cool shit sometimes.
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#19
(04-23-2013, 03:03 PM)TennisMom Wrote: Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

ooF DAH!

Yah, you betcha. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
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#20
Anyone wishing to visit NY should watch this video for tourists:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LmPBPWHJu4
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