A family dilemma
#1
My younger sister was killed last November. She was hit by a car while crossing a busy California street. At the time of her death she was living in an apartment in So Cal. She was 48 yrs old, single with no kids. My folks, (both 78 yrs), have been devastated by this. One of the constantly recurring questions they ask themselves is WHY??? It just seems so random and arbitrary... no good explanation. The driver that hit her was not impaired... not speeding.... by all accounts it was my sister's fault.

So now the dilemma. When the accident happened, my brother and I flew straight down to LA. I told my brother that we needed to go through our sister's place before our folks did. We both knew that there was a possibility of there being things there that would upset them. What we found was unsettling. We vowed to never tell anyone. However, parts of what we found would show the distinct possibility that she was impaired, (drugs), and that she had a problem. I know that this would be a huge blow to my folks because I saw the reaction of my mom when she found some weed remnants lying around... this was before my brother and I scoured the place. What we found was much worse than weed.

The ONLY reason that I would have for telling our folks was if I thought it would finally give them an explanantion for WHY. But I can't decide if they are better off not knowing. They were supporting her at the time of her death and they could possibly blame themselves... sort of enabling without knowing it. My gut tells me that my sister's secrets should go with me to my grave. My brother feels the same. But as a parent, I'd want to know. 

Thoughts?
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#2
(08-18-2018, 07:13 PM)GCG Wrote: My younger sister was killed last November. She was hit by a car while crossing a busy California street. At the time of her death she was living in an apartment in So Cal. She was 48 yrs old, single with no kids. My folks, (both 78 yrs), have been devastated by this. One of the constantly recurring questions they ask themselves is WHY??? It just seems so random and arbitrary... no good explanation. The driver that hit her was not impaired... not speeding.... by all accounts it was my sister's fault.

So now the dilemma. When the accident happened, my brother and I flew straight down to LA. I told my brother that we needed to go through our sister's place before our folks did. We both knew that there was a possibility of there being things there that would upset them. What we found was unsettling. We vowed to never tell anyone. However, parts of what we found would show the distinct possibility that she was impaired, (drugs), and that she had a problem. I know that this would be a huge blow to my folks because I saw the reaction of my mom when she found some weed remnants lying around... this was before my brother and I scoured the place. What we found was much worse than weed.

The ONLY reason that I would have for telling our folks was if I thought it would finally give them an explanantion for WHY. But I can't decide if they are better off not knowing. They were supporting her at the time of her death and they could possibly blame themselves... sort of enabling without knowing it. My gut tells me that my sister's secrets should go with me to my grave. My brother feels the same. But as a parent, I'd want to know. 

Thoughts?
 First of all I'm very sorry. I lost a sister as well. IMO your thoughts are spot on. They don't need to know she was using drugs. And I don't think it would give them any relief. I think it would make it even more painful.
 

Also you don't really know the drugs were actually why she was careless. People are very often careless who are not impaired.
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#3
Sorry for your loss GCG. I think agree with TV. There is just no way to ease their pain and since there is no mention of a police report stating drugs as a likely cause or contributing factor, it was probably just an unfortunate accident.
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#4
It's different for everyone, but I think your gut is right. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
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#5
My sincere condolences.

I agree... they don't need to know. When anyone dies by something other than old age, loved ones are left wondering "why". Often times the "why" is never known. It's just the way it is. This situation is no different. They just don't need to know. If they're religious (or spiritual) maybe they can find some sort of comfort through their belief, clergy, church.

Sent from my SM-G928V using Tapatalk
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#6
Thanks to all that responded. I will elaborate a little. 

It seemed like a no-brainer at first. Never tell anyone. Period. But my mom made a statement not long ago to the effect of; "If someone knows something and they aren't telling me because they are worried how I"ll take it... I better never find out because I will be so angry!" At the time I think she was referring to the cops maybe withholding info. And I'm not even 100% clear on if she was referring to my sister's death or some other aspect of her life. In any event, I didn't say anything. 

I guess, once said, it's one of those things that you could never unsay. So if put myself in my parent's shoes, I would want to know. If I put myself in my sister's shoes, I would want it kept a secret. 

Due to other circumstances that I won't get into here... I think it's likely that she was impaired when it happened. I also think there is a slight possiblity that this was a suicide. Also, there are other, (extended), family members, (that my folks are propping up), might face a similar fate. I hope that someone learns something from all of this. But for the time being, it won't be from me.

Anyway...this Thursday we will take her ashes out and scatter them at sea. Hopefully this will provide some closure for my folks. I have my doubts.

Thanks again.
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#7
"I guess, once said, it's one of those things that you could never unsay. "

This being true, perhaps a better time to share will present itself in the future. Or not.
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#8
(08-19-2018, 09:50 AM)Valuesize Wrote: "I guess, once said, it's one of those things that you could never unsay. "

This being true, perhaps a better time to share will present itself in the future. Or not.

For now... I'll keep her secret. I doubt that I'll ever be able to bring it up... that's probably for the best.
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#9
I realize I am late to this topic, I was busy and offline for several days.
From my experience, I propose an alternate opinion. I bore the secret of an alcoholic family member for years, I could write a book. Far too much to cover here, but finally I made the tough decision to share the secret with the family, parents, siblings, etc. The family member as you can imagine was angry at first, very angry, but at that point I did not care, I did it for me. I had come to the realization that by keeping the secret, I in fact was enabling. Things got more difficult, much more, before they got better, but having the family in on the secret was an immediate burden off my shoulders, there was now a default support group and we were all in it together, which ultimately led to the alcoholic getting help, who is now sober and doing well.

My point is, holding big secrets can be damaging to ones own health, I did not realize the stress I was carrying from it until I freed myself. The day I spent telling the family one by one, by the end of the day the physical feeling of the burden being lifted off my shoulders was palpable. If you are confident this secret will not eat at you, even after your parents are gone, then continue to keep it, but if there is doubt, I would suggest you considering telling them. Your parents have lived long, full lives and have undoubtedly shared in many of life's trials and tribulations and as such are well equipped to hear and process truth, which then presents the opportunity for all of you to draw support from one another in sharing in that knowledge, which ultimately may lead to positive outcomes to some of the extended family you referred to. At the very least, your parents would have the ability to choose if they want to continue "propping up" (enabling) or cut them off. I think they deserve to know how their support/kindness is being taken advantage of.

You certainly would not need to share every nitty gritty detail of what you know, but enough for them to understand the big picture.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong answer here, good luck in whatever path you choose.

That's my $.02
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#10
(08-20-2018, 09:11 AM)GPnative Wrote: I realize I am late to this topic, I was busy and offline for several days.
From my experience, I propose an alternate opinion. I bore the secret of an alcoholic family member for years, I could write a book. Far too much to cover here, but finally I made the tough decision to share the secret with the family, parents, siblings, etc. The family member as you can imagine was angry at first, very angry, but at that point I did not care, I did it for me. I had come to the realization that by keeping the secret, I in fact was enabling. Things got more difficult, much more, before they got better, but having the family in on the secret was an immediate burden off my shoulders, there was now a default support group and we were all in it together, which ultimately led to the alcoholic getting help, who is now sober and doing well.

My point is, holding big secrets can be damaging to ones own health, I did not realize the stress I was carrying from it until I freed myself. The day I spent telling the family one by one, by the end of the day the physical feeling of the burden being lifted off my shoulders was palpable. If you are confident this secret will not eat at you, even after your parents are gone, then continue to keep it, but if there is doubt, I would suggest you considering telling them. Your parents have lived long, full lives and have undoubtedly shared in many of life's trials and tribulations and as such are well equipped to hear and process truth, which then presents the opportunity for all of you to draw support from one another in sharing in that knowledge, which ultimately may lead to positive outcomes to some of the extended family you referred to. At the very least, your parents would have the ability to choose if they want to continue "propping up" (enabling) or cut them off. I think they deserve to know how their support/kindness is being taken advantage of.

You certainly would not need to share every nitty gritty detail of what you know, but enough for them to understand the big picture.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong answer here, good luck in whatever path you choose.

That's my $.02

 Not sure I should offer my opinion of what you said GP but I want to add to it. I think I agree that if Mom and dad are giving money to and enabling some "extended family" members who are blowing the money one way or another.
I definitely would rat them out.
 
When one considers that GCG doesn't know for sure if her death had anything to do with drugs. Telling them what their daughter was doing with the money they gave her could possibly make them feel responsible for her death.
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#11
(08-20-2018, 01:48 PM)tvguy Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 09:11 AM)GPnative Wrote: I realize I am late to this topic, I was busy and offline for several days.
From my experience, I propose an alternate opinion. I bore the secret of an alcoholic family member for years, I could write a book. Far too much to cover here, but finally I made the tough decision to share the secret with the family, parents, siblings, etc. The family member as you can imagine was angry at first, very angry, but at that point I did not care, I did it for me. I had come to the realization that by keeping the secret, I in fact was enabling. Things got more difficult, much more, before they got better, but having the family in on the secret was an immediate burden off my shoulders, there was now a default support group and we were all in it together, which ultimately led to the alcoholic getting help, who is now sober and doing well.

My point is, holding big secrets can be damaging to ones own health, I did not realize the stress I was carrying from it until I freed myself. The day I spent telling the family one by one, by the end of the day the physical feeling of the burden being lifted off my shoulders was palpable. If you are confident this secret will not eat at you, even after your parents are gone, then continue to keep it, but if there is doubt, I would suggest you considering telling them. Your parents have lived long, full lives and have undoubtedly shared in many of life's trials and tribulations and as such are well equipped to hear and process truth, which then presents the opportunity for all of you to draw support from one another in sharing in that knowledge, which ultimately may lead to positive outcomes to some of the extended family you referred to. At the very least, your parents would have the ability to choose if they want to continue "propping up" (enabling) or cut them off. I think they deserve to know how their support/kindness is being taken advantage of.

You certainly would not need to share every nitty gritty detail of what you know, but enough for them to understand the big picture.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong answer here, good luck in whatever path you choose.

That's my $.02

 Not sure I should offer my opinion of what you said GP but I want to add to it. I think I agree that if Mom and dad are giving money to and enabling some "extended family" members who are blowing the money one way or another.
I definitely would rat them out.
 
When one considers that GCG doesn't know for sure if her death had anything to do with drugs. Telling them what their daughter was doing with the money they gave her could possibly make them feel responsible for her death.

That's why I mentioned not going into every nitty gritty detail, but keeping it rather top level, such as there was evidence of drug use, details of how extensive could be left out. I would never advocate saying outright "the money you sent was used for drugs" one, for the reason you stated, the other, only the sister would know if that was true or not. She obviously had a place to live, food, electric etc. so not all of her money acquired was going to drugs.
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#12
(08-20-2018, 02:26 PM)GPnative Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 01:48 PM)tvguy Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 09:11 AM)GPnative Wrote: I realize I am late to this topic, I was busy and offline for several days.
From my experience, I propose an alternate opinion. I bore the secret of an alcoholic family member for years, I could write a book. Far too much to cover here, but finally I made the tough decision to share the secret with the family, parents, siblings, etc. The family member as you can imagine was angry at first, very angry, but at that point I did not care, I did it for me. I had come to the realization that by keeping the secret, I in fact was enabling. Things got more difficult, much more, before they got better, but having the family in on the secret was an immediate burden off my shoulders, there was now a default support group and we were all in it together, which ultimately led to the alcoholic getting help, who is now sober and doing well.

My point is, holding big secrets can be damaging to ones own health, I did not realize the stress I was carrying from it until I freed myself. The day I spent telling the family one by one, by the end of the day the physical feeling of the burden being lifted off my shoulders was palpable. If you are confident this secret will not eat at you, even after your parents are gone, then continue to keep it, but if there is doubt, I would suggest you considering telling them. Your parents have lived long, full lives and have undoubtedly shared in many of life's trials and tribulations and as such are well equipped to hear and process truth, which then presents the opportunity for all of you to draw support from one another in sharing in that knowledge, which ultimately may lead to positive outcomes to some of the extended family you referred to. At the very least, your parents would have the ability to choose if they want to continue "propping up" (enabling) or cut them off. I think they deserve to know how their support/kindness is being taken advantage of.

You certainly would not need to share every nitty gritty detail of what you know, but enough for them to understand the big picture.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong answer here, good luck in whatever path you choose.

That's my $.02

 Not sure I should offer my opinion of what you said GP but I want to add to it. I think I agree that if Mom and dad are giving money to and enabling some "extended family" members who are blowing the money one way or another.
I definitely would rat them out.
 
When one considers that GCG doesn't know for sure if her death had anything to do with drugs. Telling them what their daughter was doing with the money they gave her could possibly make them feel responsible for her death.

That's why I mentioned not going into every nitty gritty detail, but keeping it rather top level, such as there was evidence of drug use, details of how extensive could be left out. I would never advocate saying outright "the money you sent was used for drugs" one, for the reason you stated, the other, only the sister would know if that was true or not. She obviously had a place to live, food, electric etc. so not all of her money acquired was going to drugs.
I get it. But telling the parents there were drugs involved even without details could still make them feel responsible.
Especially considering GCG's comment about the moms "reaction" to  Marijuana.

It's a tough call. The parents have had a year to process this so maybe telling them about the drugs would just start the heart ache all over again.
But like you said there's no right or wrong answer.
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#13
(08-20-2018, 02:38 PM)tvguy Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 02:26 PM)GPnative Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 01:48 PM)tvguy Wrote:
(08-20-2018, 09:11 AM)GPnative Wrote: I realize I am late to this topic, I was busy and offline for several days.
From my experience, I propose an alternate opinion. I bore the secret of an alcoholic family member for years, I could write a book. Far too much to cover here, but finally I made the tough decision to share the secret with the family, parents, siblings, etc. The family member as you can imagine was angry at first, very angry, but at that point I did not care, I did it for me. I had come to the realization that by keeping the secret, I in fact was enabling. Things got more difficult, much more, before they got better, but having the family in on the secret was an immediate burden off my shoulders, there was now a default support group and we were all in it together, which ultimately led to the alcoholic getting help, who is now sober and doing well.

My point is, holding big secrets can be damaging to ones own health, I did not realize the stress I was carrying from it until I freed myself. The day I spent telling the family one by one, by the end of the day the physical feeling of the burden being lifted off my shoulders was palpable. If you are confident this secret will not eat at you, even after your parents are gone, then continue to keep it, but if there is doubt, I would suggest you considering telling them. Your parents have lived long, full lives and have undoubtedly shared in many of life's trials and tribulations and as such are well equipped to hear and process truth, which then presents the opportunity for all of you to draw support from one another in sharing in that knowledge, which ultimately may lead to positive outcomes to some of the extended family you referred to. At the very least, your parents would have the ability to choose if they want to continue "propping up" (enabling) or cut them off. I think they deserve to know how their support/kindness is being taken advantage of.

You certainly would not need to share every nitty gritty detail of what you know, but enough for them to understand the big picture.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong answer here, good luck in whatever path you choose.

That's my $.02

 Not sure I should offer my opinion of what you said GP but I want to add to it. I think I agree that if Mom and dad are giving money to and enabling some "extended family" members who are blowing the money one way or another.
I definitely would rat them out.
 
When one considers that GCG doesn't know for sure if her death had anything to do with drugs. Telling them what their daughter was doing with the money they gave her could possibly make them feel responsible for her death.

That's why I mentioned not going into every nitty gritty detail, but keeping it rather top level, such as there was evidence of drug use, details of how extensive could be left out. I would never advocate saying outright "the money you sent was used for drugs" one, for the reason you stated, the other, only the sister would know if that was true or not. She obviously had a place to live, food, electric etc. so not all of her money acquired was going to drugs.
I get it. But telling the parents there were drugs involved even without details could still make them feel responsible.
Especially considering GCG's comment about the moms "reaction" to  Marijuana.

It's a tough call. The parents have had a year to process this so maybe telling them about the drugs would just start the heart ache all over again.
But like you said there's no right or wrong answer.

Interesting perspective, GP. However, I do not feel "burdened" by the secret. To sort of address this and also tvguy's reply... first of all, I do believe that my sis was impaired but it's more about her activities in general... activities that were available to her because she had no responsibilities in life... that led to her death. If it had not been this accident it would have been something else. Knowing what I now know, I feel her death was inevitable... regardless of whether she was actually "using" at the moment. That's why I think my folks might blame themselves. Because, in fact, I blame them to a certain degree. They could have done a better job of teaching her to fend for herself. Instead they just gave her money for her entire life. 

As far as the extended family goes... there are others that are in a better position to get involved. I'm going to have to mind my own beeswax on that. However, before my sister died I did occasionally mention to my folks that they were creating more problems than they were solving by continuing to allow themselves to be manipulated by family. They would agree... and then keep on doing it. They are doing it still.
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#14
(08-19-2018, 04:38 PM)GCG Wrote:
(08-19-2018, 09:50 AM)Valuesize Wrote: "I guess, once said, it's one of those things that you could never unsay. "

This being true, perhaps a better time to share will present itself in the future. Or not.

For now... I'll keep her secret. I doubt that I'll ever be able to bring it up... that's probably for the best.

I do feel that this is true. I'm a very frank person and it's come back to me sometimes in ways that have cost me dearly. To the point now, where I am very afraid to give an opinion or straight answer about things.  Which essentially leaves me tongue tied as artifice is not my forte. Kind of lonely.  But sometimes it is best.

You can't unring a bell.
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#15
(08-20-2018, 04:28 PM)Juniper Wrote:
(08-19-2018, 04:38 PM)GCG Wrote:
(08-19-2018, 09:50 AM)Valuesize Wrote: "I guess, once said, it's one of those things that you could never unsay. "

This being true, perhaps a better time to share will present itself in the future. Or not.

For now... I'll keep her secret. I doubt that I'll ever be able to bring it up... that's probably for the best.

I do feel that this is true. I'm a very frank person and it's come back to me sometimes in ways that have cost me dearly. To the point now, where I am very afraid to give an opinion or straight answer about things.  Which essentially leaves me tongue tied as artifice is not my forte. Kind of lonely.  But sometimes it is best.

You can't unring a bell.
Totally been there and done that LOL
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