Time For a New Joke Thread

[GoCometsGo]

...and then there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

Well?

[orygunluvr]

Think of it this way: A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year. A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year. So, the average Cash for Clunkers transactiion will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. They claim 700,000 vehicles were purchased through the program so that's 224 million gallons saved per year. That equates to a bit over 5million barrels of oil.
Five million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars.
So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars (through Cash for Clunkers) to save $350 million.
We spent $8.57 for every dollar saved.

I'm pretty sure that the government will do a great job with health care though. Yeah right.

[Seymour Butts]

I had to go into Medford for some business yesterday. After parking the
car, I walked to the office building I was going to. Along the way I
passed several street bums. One particularly dirty guy who really stunk
came up to me and asked me for some money so he could get something to
eat. Half-jokingly, I asked him how did I know that if I gave him money
for food he wouldn't just go fishing instead. He looked at me funny and
said, "Fishing? I never go fishing. I spend my days trying to stay alive
on the street."

Getting serious, I then asked him if he would just spend the money on
beer. He answered, "You may not believe this, but I do not drink. Not a
drop."

I told him to come with me. I was going to bring him home and have my
wife fix him the best meal he's ever had.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "I know I'm pretty filthy and I probably don't
smell too good."

"You'd be doing me a favor," I told him. "I want to show my wife what a
guy who doesn't fish or drink beer looks like."

[WKYonc]

...and then there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

Well?

Well what?

[Uncle]

...and then there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

Well?

Well what?

Hell, even I got it.

[GoCometsGo]

...and then there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

Well?

Well what?

A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

[WKYonc]

Well?

Well what?

A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

Every heard a woman you know say, "Man, that dude is hung!"

A plastic surgeon might be able to help things along so that he too is "hung".

Sorry...not too funny.

[GoCometsGo]

Well what?

A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

Every heard a woman you know say, "Man, that dude is hung!"

A plastic surgeon might be able to help things along so that he too is "hung".

Sorry...not too funny.

sigh*** I'll admit that it took me awhile to "get it" ... but I wasn't asking for an explanation... I was asking if he's now well hung.

[orygunluvr]

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[WKYonc]

A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

Every heard a woman you know say, "Man, that dude is hung!"

A plastic surgeon might be able to help things along so that he too is "hung".

Sorry...not too funny.

sigh*** I'll admit that it took me awhile to "get it" ... but I wasn't asking for an explanation... I was asking if he's now well hung.

Whatever...
We must have a disconnect somewhere. I don't understand, and I don't think I want to.

[TennisMom]

Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama go into a bar. Bill tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C." Obama whispers, "What is a B and C?" "That's a bourbon and Coke," Clinton answers. Then Biden orders, "I'll have a G and T." Obama again whispers, "What's a G and T?" "A gin and tonic," Joe replies. Obama wants to seem like he's one of the guys so he tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15." Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?" Obama says, "A 7 and 7."

That was funnier when it was Dubya instead of Obama. Comparing their intelligence level is like comparing ground chuck to Kobe beef.

[TennisMom]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon -so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies -No.

Johnny asks -Do you know what I think?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet?

She replies - No.

Johnny says -Do you know what I think?

His mom replies -Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school...

After school -Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet?

His mom says -No.

He asks - Do you know what I think?

His mom replies - Ok -now tell me what you think.

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

[GoCometsGo]

Every heard a woman you know say, "Man, that dude is hung!"

A plastic surgeon might be able to help things along so that he too is "hung".

Sorry...not too funny.

sigh*** I'll admit that it took me awhile to "get it" ... but I wasn't asking for an explanation... I was asking if he's now well hung.

Whatever...
We must have a disconnect somewhere. I don't understand, and I don't think I want to.

We'll get over it somehow.

[imaham]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the "6 Item Limit" sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
----------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
----------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
----------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
----------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
----------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,

What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said "yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[broadzilla]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! I don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding it in there."
"Thank you very much for you call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust op (en every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This is Floyd...did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to GIT-R-DONE)

[Larry]

How many times do you hear contractors, framers, and even engineers saying how good they are at just "eyballing" it?

Try your skill.

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball

[Larry]

explanation for baggy pants......

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iowahawk_blog/4296379692

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iowahawk_blog/4296379688

[broadzilla]

How many times do you hear contractors, framers, and even engineers saying how good they are at just "eyballing" it?

Try your skill.

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball

4.2

[Larry]

How many times do you hear contractors, framers, and even engineers saying how good they are at just "eyballing" it?

Try your skill.

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball

4.2

You have to keep going... there are several tests....
Scroll down to "NEXT" button....

[broadzilla]

How many times do you hear contractors, framers, and even engineers saying how good they are at just "eyballing" it?

Try your skill.

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball

4.2

You have to keep going... there are several tests....
Scroll down to "NEXT" button....

I did each one three times...my average error was 4.2.
I did the best at bisecting the angle 0.3.
It was kind of fun...but I suck at finding the middle of a triangle or circle.