Time For a New Joke Thread

[TennisMom]

I was in the coffee bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[TennisMom]

THINK ABOUT THIS:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F .

[Red White and Blue]

A few Obama jokes:

In a stunning victory Massachusetts republican Scott Brown won the senate seat long held by Ted Kennedy. And in a desperate attempt to save his own seat, president Obama has just re-registered as a republican.

If you remember president Obama gave himself a B+ when grading his first year as president. The rest of the world gave him a C..... C as in Creed Deeds, Corzine, Copenhagen, Chicago, Copenhagen again, and now Coakley.

President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 46% in the latest CBS pool, but not surprising it is still at 95% in the latest MSNBC poll.

Obama is very upset that democrat senate candidate Martha Coakley lost last week to her republican opponent. If Coakley had won Obama could finally have claimed at least one job he either saved or created.

President Obama said that Massachusetts voters elected a republican senator because they were mad at President Bush. Sure, they are angry that Bush still isn't president.

Last week people celebrated the one year anniversary of Obama's presidency. That is until they realized that there are three years left.

President Obama delivered his first official SOTU address on Wednesday. Here's a quick recap" It's all Bush's fault.

New York Times left wing economist Paul Krugman says Obama should be blaming Bush even more. He's right, because sometimes Obama doesn't blame Bush at all. Like when he's sleeping, or when his mouth isn't moving.

Author Bob Woodward recently praised President Obama saying he was no European socialist. He's right. Actually Obama is an American socialist, meaning Obama has way more money to throw away.

Twenty republican senators recently sent president Obama a letter opposing a public trial for the Christmas day underwear bomber. White house insiders say that the letter was well received; by Obama's paper shredder.

John McCain recently said that Obama is leading an extreme left wing crusade to bankrupt America. Obama then reminded McCain that he is also leading a crusade to destroy Americas health care and to lose two wars.

President Obama recently appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Dept. of Commerce. It's the highest position a transgender woman has held since Janet Reno.

President Obama has told republican leaders to stop trying to frighten the American people. Obama then gave a speech about catastrophe global warming, the evil insurance companies and how they are bankrupting America, and how fat cat bankers have destroyed the housing market.

President Obama says that the massive federal bailouts were less costly than initially estimated. That's true, because many businesses went under before they had a chance to get their federal bailout.

A recent poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush as president over Obama. But don't worry Barack. 100% of the world dictators and terrorists would still prefer you.

Terrorists in Gitmo will soon be transferred to a prison in Illinois. President Obama chose Illinois so that if the terrorists are released they can go straight to work for the Chicago democrat political machine.

Obama went to Norway a couple of weeks ago to accept his Nobel Peace Prize and then, just as we all expected, Ashton Kutcher popped out to let Obama know that he's been punked.

While in Norway Obama skipped a Save the Children benefit concert, so a cardboard cutout of Obama was placed on stage instead. But the tricky part was finding a cardboard cutout of his teleprompter.

Last week people all over the word rang in the year 2010, except the Obama White House. They rang in the 6th year of the Carter administration.

New Years Eve in New York City was celebrated by watching the dropping of the ball in Times Square. In Washington DC, Obama celebrated by dropping the ball on everything else.

Dick Cheney said that Obama is trying to pretend that we are not at war with Islamic extremists. But in all fairness, Obama is also pretending to fix American health care and that we are not falling hopelessly into debt.

Today VP Joe Biden is meeting with the Chief of Transparency for Economic Recovery. Unfortunately the transparency meeting is non-transparent and closed to the press.

During a televised address last week on terrorism Obama exclaimed that "the buck stop here". And when he says here, he means his teleprompter.

Obama was recently ridiculed about his lack of transparency and not televising the health care discussions on C-SPAN by the Daily Shows Jon Stewart. You better be careful Jon. You keep doing that and the democrats are going to fire you.

Police in Texas have arrested drug dealers who are selling ecstasy with pictures of President Obama on them. Not surprisingly, those who take the Obama pills report a feeling of tremendous euphoria and then they quickly come down and feel disappointed.

16% of Americans say that President Obama should have his face carved at Mt. Rushmore. When the president heard of the plan he responded "Ya, but how are you going to remove the other president's faces?"

President Obama's speeches have been so frequent that Americans are getting big speech fatigue. President Obama said that he is aware of the problem and is planning a big speech in January to address the problem.

Despite heavily lobbying by Obama the city of Chicago lost out on hosting the 2016 Olympic summer games. Shortly thereafter Obama issued a statement that 'it was all Glen Becks fault'.

Iran is asking the United Nations to ban attacks on their nuclear facilities. Hey Iran, The United States already has a ban on attacking your nuclear facilities. It's called having Obama as president.

Obama has canceled the missile defense systems protecting Poland and Czechoslovakia. We assume it is because Obama has no need for them since they are FORMER communist countries.

American will celebrate Halloween this weekend. Last year Obama went as the messiah. This year he is going as an unpopular president.

Some Hispanic groups are upset about a costume that features a space creature that is wearing an orange jumpsuit that have the words illegal alien. Seriously, get a life. Everyone knows the proper term is undocumented Martian.

Obama has offered doctor groups payoffs in exchange for their support of Obamacare. Side effects of these payoffs include disgust, nausea, hair loss, and loss of faith of the principles of our Founding Fathers.

Obama's approval rating has dropped so fast, so quickly that school students are now singing songs of praise to Vice President Joe Biden.

Ever since Obama was inaugurated job losses have occurred in 49 states. Obama said that he was withholding comment until he could examine employment data from all 57 states.

After hearing the employment figures Obama immediately threw another party for himself in the White House, creating or saving 300 catering jobs.

Obama told a gay audience in Washington that he was going to repeal Bill Clinton's 'Don't ask, Don't tell. When he was asked when he responded "Hey, if you don't ask me I won't tell you."

Last week the nation was captivated by a runaway weather balloon thought to be carrying a six year old boy. It was kind of like Obama's campaign promises. You know, lofty and shiny at first but was found to full of hot air and empty when it crashed to the ground.

Last week a little boy in New Orleans asked Obama why people hate him so much. Well in 15 years when he is paying taxes and still paying for Obama's spending he will understand.

[Seymour Butts]

A conservative came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The conservative said, "I'm a conservative. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every liberal in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every liberal in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every liberal gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

[Seymour Butts]

Jesus Christ is walking down the street when he sees Jackie Treehorn
with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its
end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing Jackie's ignorance,Jesus Christ wrenches the pole
out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the
yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
Jackie grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot Jesus!
I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

[TennisMom]

The difference between the North and the South

clearly explained...... at last.


The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...
Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep
into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin...' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow,
your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners.....
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

[Cometmom]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

[tvguy]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

[Cometmom]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

[tvguy]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

You can't be serious, have you ever read the collection of moronic things Bush has said ?? Besides your article is wrong Gore didn't make the pollution comment ,that was actually a Dan Quayle quote.

[GoCometsGo]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

You can't be serious, have you ever read the collection of moronic things Bush has said ?? Besides your article is wrong Gore didn't make the pollution comment ,that was actually a Dan Quayle quote.

It looks like it was written by a comedian.

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/quayle.asp


bottom of page

also most of the stuff attributed to Bush or Kerry appears to be untrue as well

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp

[Cometmom]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

You can't be serious, have you ever read the collection of moronic things Bush has said ?? Besides your article is wrong Gore didn't make the pollution comment ,that was actually a Dan Quayle quote.

I posted in the "joke" thread. And you call me dense.

[tvguy]

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

You can't be serious, have you ever read the collection of moronic things Bush has said ?? Besides your article is wrong Gore didn't make the pollution comment ,that was actually a Dan Quayle quote.

I posted in the "joke" thread. And you call me dense.

I said you were dense because you acted dense by continuing to go on about Pelosi using her plane improperly when EVERYONE else had pretty much agreed the accusation was totally unsubstantiated.

Now I haven't a clue why you posting in the joke thread has to do with anything, I merely commented that I was surprised bush wasn't quoted and then I posted that the quote attributed to Gore was wrong.

[tvguy]

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

You can't be serious, have you ever read the collection of moronic things Bush has said ?? Besides your article is wrong Gore didn't make the pollution comment ,that was actually a Dan Quayle quote.

It looks like it was written by a comedian.

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/quayle.asp


bottom of page

also most of the stuff attributed to Bush or Kerry appears to be untrue as well

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp

Well like I said Bush should have a place when ever there is a list of dumb quotes, I think these are most likely true since they are on video and we can remember hearing many of them
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlcE3HVRlRs[/youtube]

[Seymour Butts]

Obama sees dead people. Now that is funny.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh6Gx1KrvTw[/youtube]

and he has visited 57 states with one left to go.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws[/youtube]

Even Letterman has fun with Obama and his constant stuttering

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iap0LMsa36w[/youtube]

[TennisMom]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

Sorry, Comet, but those are all fake. The 'pollution' quote was attributed to Dan Quayle in 1991 by some magazine as something he might say, and he didn't actually say it.

[Cometmom]

It's amazing that there was not one single dumb quote from GW Bush.

Nothing could compare to the Gore quote.

Sorry, Comet, but those are all fake. The 'pollution' quote was attributed to Dan Quayle in 1991 by some magazine as something he might say, and he didn't actually say it.

TM.....sweetie, this is a JOKE thread. Do I think all the jokes people have posted here are real? NO. It's a joke thread. Now will you and TV go stand in the corner?
The Obama clips are pretty funny though.

[charlie]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his

mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult

four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse

appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from

worry about his testicles, she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his

testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,

'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,there's

nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l ts - b a c k

[orygunluvr]

"Getting Even"

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
Sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
Matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
The vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
When we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her
Because she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who
Wanted the dirty cat, Not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye-to-eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
My husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
Located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room
And office were full of people waiting to see the Doctor. A side door
Opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's
Pussy doesn't stink anymore and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now
Smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only
Knows who the Father is!"

Then he closed the door.

That, my friends, is getting even.

[imaham]

Words of wisdom from a senior citizen:

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.